To Mama

"I mourn the little girl you once were"

Dear Mama,

Its 4 in the morning.. I feel numb.. I feel empty.. I feel desolate. Please tell me it will get better. Why don't you hold me anymore? Am I so unlikable that my worth is measured by how much I can pull out of my pockets and put in your hands?  I try so hard mama.. I really do. When will I ever be good enough? Is it when I nod in agreement to every word you utter? Is it when I lower my defenses and let you gut me over and over again? Is it when I get on my knees and submit to you? You know I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant I could receive a fraction of love you'd give. It hurts mama... I wish I could confide in you and feel your love not your hatred. Why is that you are venom and the antidote?  You once told me a story of  a scorpion who asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, they would both drown. Considering this, the frog agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. You explained that vicious people cannot resist hurting others even when it is not in their own interests, because its in their nature. Tell me? is it your nature that compels you to sting  and is it my nature to be stung knowing my demise awaits me? I am like moth beckoned to a flame knowing I will be burned but its my nature. Why can't you take it easy on me? why is your love to be bought like commodity, why is not unconditional? I have so many questions please ease the pain you have caused me it unbearable. Mama I cry! Are my tears not testament to mourn the mother I have lost? Come back mama, find your strength, find mercy in your heart, no matter how long it takes I will hold the torch to shine your path so you can find your way back again... Please come home. I miss you, I miss your smiles, I miss your gentle caresses, I miss the yearning in your prayers, I miss the softness in your words. I love you , please say it back dear mama..

Love,

Your Daughter