Limerence

"You were a chapter in my book and I was merely a line in yours"

 To all the boys I have loved before but never loved me back? I am Sorry..

Strange how all it takes is a single article that you come across to shatter your world. Up until then you lived unknowing and clueless. Why was rejection so painful? Why did his boundaries break my heart? Why did I fall for them so damm easy? Why did my heart and eyes bleed until I couldn't breathe? Why was it so hard to forget and let go? What is wrong with me? The simple answer was a single word.. "limerence". It all made sense now, the light bulb in my head flickered, my gears shifted, my insides clenched and I felt gutted, but it was true! every word I read! It knocked the wind out outta me. You see limerence is an adjacent of love. According to the dictionary? Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. Did I have that? Well I happened to check every single box of the list. It was never love.. it was obsession, it was everything bad that felt incredibly good. The sparks were undeniable. It was ecstasy and I wanted it every lingering moment, the high took me to new heights. I'd do anything for him.. I'd hang on to every word he said.. I'd neglect every responsibility to be with him, be near him, to hear his incredible husky sexy voice over and over again . He was my enigma. I'd imagine his lips , his body, his eyes all over me.. for me and me alone but .. he was never mine. It was all in my head.. how many times had I gone thru this exact feeling? Well unfortunately too many times to count but I knew the outcome all too well.. Pain! He caused me that and how dare he? I was perfect to him I did everything right so why did he push me away? I wish I had shut up, I wish I had stopped ruminating over every aspect of him, I wish someone would have knocked some sense into me. I'm hopeless, lost and angry and I hate him for making me feel that way but he and every other boy who I loved but never loved me back? they knew and they saw through me. They saw the desperation, they saw the obsession and the infatuation that consumes me. I try so hard but I cant make it go away.. 'I am unlovable' I thought but the truth was I never even loved  them myself. I loved parts of them, parts that I desired and was infatuated with. Like my perfect storybook boyfriend that I could customize and shape how I please. I was wrong.. and when he said "its not real" that pierced my heart because I knew how much truth that held. Alas, my heart will ease and the pain will fade in due time but I know it will happen again. Because I cant help myself. Limerence will linger with me till the last breath I take so I am sorry to all the boys I'll love but never love me back. It isn't your fault.. its mine..